My friend, Abdul Muhaimeen Bin Abdul Rashid, passed away a couple of weeks ago. He was only 2 years older than me. May God forgive his sins and accept his good deeds. Ameen.

During the funeral, the talqin, or reminder/teachings of some sort was said by the imam,

"Brother Abdul Muhaimeen bin Abdul Rashid, soon two angels will come to ask you. They will ask you: Who is you God? Who is the Messenger? What is your religion? Where is your qiblat(direction of prayer)? What are your principles of life? Who are your friends and kin?

"Brother, remember then to answer,

"Allah is my God,
Muhammad is His messenger,
Islam is my way of life,
My principles of life is the Al-Qur'an,
The Kaabah is my direction of prayer,
and the believers were my companions."



*(from what i remember and translate. I mgith have made mistakes, but thats roughly it)



The experience, and these words, touched my heart. So id just like to share them. It made me remember, will i be able to answer these questions correctly? For its not about memorising them, its not like an exam u study for. These questions, my deeds will answer for me.

When asked who is my God: will i be able to answer 'Allah is my God', when i rarely remembered him, and obeyed him, and thanked him? When i 'idolised' so many other things, like fame, being popular, being cool?

When asked who is the messengerz; will i be able to answer "Muhammad is the messenger", when i dont know much about him, when i rarely follow his example, when i do not do what he has taught all muslims to do?

When asked what is my way of life: will i be able to answer "Islam", when my way of life is filled with so many aspects that are against islam, like partying, caring about myself more than others, always wanting to 'enjoy' instead of doing some good in this world?

When asked what are my principles in life:will i be able to answer the Qur'an, when i hardly know much about its content, and its teachings? when i hardly even read it, much less live by it?

When asked where was my direction of prayer:will i be able to answer that it is Kaabah, when sometimes i fail to do the compulsory five prayers a day, and even when i do, my heart is not even present in prayer, but thinking about other material and wordly things?

When asked who were my friends and kin: will i be able to answer the believers, when my time is all spent with my friends just 'enjoying' ourselves?



Will we be able to answer all this questions?

Who am i?
Why do i do certain things?
Why do i feel certain feelings?
What am i really looking for?




.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
questions questions.

I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own... here we go

My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My senses dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own... here we go

My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go

Had a really great day today, went to be a faci for this programme for Darul Ma'wa Orphanage. Kudos to the Kecoh-Kecoh-Karnival for the awesome programme u guys planned! The kids loved it! May Allah bless you guys insyaAllah. And had a great discussion tonight too with a respected friend, sharing ideas, discussing plans. May our ideas come to fruition, insyaAllah.

A moment ill always remember today:

This boy was taking his wuduk. He washed his face, then turned to me and said, "Abang, lepas cuci muke ape?"

Heartbreaking. Really.

So friends, if we think we got it bad, cuz our results were bad, or we dont see eye to eye with our parents, or some stupid love thing(like-if-you-cant-get-over-some-girl-after-freaking-i-dunno-how-long-AND-U-WERE-NEVER-WITH-HER-TOOO!), let's think again. REALLY think. These kids? They have close to nothing.














 

 

Hadith from imam Bukhari:
The prophet once said, "I and the person who looks after the orphan will be in paradise together like this..." then he raised his forefinger and middle finger together.
 

...were...MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED! Though not good of course. But considering how i went thru the semester(sleeping in about a third of the lectures, not coming for some), it was really OK. Alhamdulillah. B's and C's. It shall be A's and B's next sem, insyaAllah. :)

Green Day (Da best, best band in the whole wide world)
Basket Case

Do you have the time?
To listen to me whine?
About nothing and
evrything all at once?

I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes i give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think im cracking up

Or am i just paranoid?
Am i just stoned?

I went to a shrink,
to analyse my dreams,
she said its lack of sex
that's bringing me down

I went, to a whore,
she said my life's a bore
so quit my whining
cause it's bringing her down

Sometimes i give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think im cracking up

Or am i just paranoid?
Ah yeah yeah yeah

Gras-ping-to-con-trol
So i better hold on

Sometimes i give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think im cracking up

So am i just paranoid?
I'm nt sure

When i was a kid, i thought,
I wanted all the things that i haveen't got,
Oh, but i learnt the hardest way.

Then i realised what it took,
to tell the difference between thieves and crooks,
a lesson learnt of me and you.

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own...
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

where'er you go, you know I'll be there
If you go far, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

You place the name you know I'll be there
You name the time you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you

When there's a truth,
you know I'll be there
Amongst the lies,
you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere,
So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you

(alright)

If you should fall, you know I'll be there
To catch the call, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I don't care
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you

 This entry us gonna be touchy.(I shld stop having this disclaimers, isn't this my blog? Haha)


My name is Ahmad Zaini, Chia. Surname cuz my dad's chinese. Yeah. 

Oh, another thing about my dad: he kinda left us after my parents divorced, in 1997, when i was 9.

Yeahh.

Back then, i guess, when people asked me if i missed him, i guess e only answer was no, cuz he was never really around, we werent even close. Yeah, he bought me a megazord, and an optimus prime and some other stuff, but nope, i dun think much love was given, no.

But years from now, i guess, it is true; there cldnt have been no effects. 

I remember, at the court, when my the divorce was finalised, my dad (i think he was crying) came and hugged me, and me suddenly started crying. I remember that i cldnt, for the life of me, understand why. This person was kinda alien to me, why the hell shld i care? when my sis teased me about it, i just said 'no, its cus u didnt give me the biscuits' (there were some biscuits i think) Haha. Lame.

So yeah i guess, after i grew up, now, 12 years later, i think i know now what are the effects.

Though yes dad, i never really loved you, cuz i never really knew you, after you left, i didnt have a dad anymore. You never came to see me. To ask how i did in school. To encourage me to join ccas, be the best i could be. To solat raya with me.

Basically, tho i didnt love you, i grew up as a kid who didnt receive enough love. Thats not saying my mum didnt try enough. She tried her best and more. Without her, i dun know what wld happen to me.

I grew up, as a kid thinking he wasnt worth much. Always lacking attention, i tried thru all ways and means to get attention. Trying to be funny, making jokes in class...but i realised that after a while. So i stopped. The insecurity, though, didn't.


Being someone who had suffered the loss of a major source of love and care early in life, i remember very early on, always trying to get a girlfriend. Haha. One after another in sec skl, not fully understanding what the hell for. Guess now i know. But i kept getting rejected all the time, so yeah. Haha.

Then i guess i stopped getting rejected. (chey chey! haha) And now...being someone who has known a painful loss, i instincively react the only way i know how: i hold on as tight as i can, doing anything just to keep her.

Getting insecure, and paranoid and start seeing possibilities everywhere of her leaving me, or liking someone.
Starting to hate every single thing in her life; they become enemies, competitors of my loved one's attention and care and love.
And possessiveness...can really, really turn you into an ugly person. I get scared, really scared of myself when possessiveness takes hold of me.

So yes. This is not an attempt to garner sympathy. This is an attempt, to explain to people certain of my actions. Especially to the friends of suhayla, who might be guessing what is happening.

This however, shall not be a reason for my poor actions. Those actions are made by me, and im accountable for them.

As i have advised to people before; don't let the situation surrounding you, control you. YOU control the situation around you. A lyric from NFG from the song 'ending in tragedy' goes 

"if a fortune could say what the future would bring,
then im not convinced, its ending in tragedy
and most of all, its in my control,
to end it all."

I like the last two lines. I might be going against all odds but, if i let go, if i give in, give up, then im the one who ended it all. I brought about my own tragic ending.

So yeahh. 

Lastly...i hope you, are reading this too. You who i have hurt so much, long ago, in the past. I hope when you read this, perhaps, you can understand me better; understand what happened to me. Understand that the zaini who did all that to you, was a zaini overcome, controlled by possessiveness/insecurity. And perhaps, you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. Perhaps, one day we can be friends again. I pray that you're happy always, cause you deserve it. I'm sorry for everything. Please forgive me.





.
.
.
.




And you dear...help me along, okay? Ill try my very best to get past all this, but i need your support and understanding, and advice. But i know whatever it is...i know that you are one girl who always, always deserves to smile. And the world, too, deserves the light, that is your smile. So even if one day, im nt able to give you that; you deserve someone who does. And i would let go; as long as you're happy, even if its not with me, im happy, As long as you smile. For your smile is something worth fighting for; dying for.


Allah knows. Remeber that, whatever it is; Allah knows.