This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own...
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

where'er you go, you know I'll be there
If you go far, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

You place the name you know I'll be there
You name the time you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you

When there's a truth,
you know I'll be there
Amongst the lies,
you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere,
So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you

(alright)

If you should fall, you know I'll be there
To catch the call, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there

I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I don't care
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you

 This entry us gonna be touchy.(I shld stop having this disclaimers, isn't this my blog? Haha)


My name is Ahmad Zaini, Chia. Surname cuz my dad's chinese. Yeah. 

Oh, another thing about my dad: he kinda left us after my parents divorced, in 1997, when i was 9.

Yeahh.

Back then, i guess, when people asked me if i missed him, i guess e only answer was no, cuz he was never really around, we werent even close. Yeah, he bought me a megazord, and an optimus prime and some other stuff, but nope, i dun think much love was given, no.

But years from now, i guess, it is true; there cldnt have been no effects. 

I remember, at the court, when my the divorce was finalised, my dad (i think he was crying) came and hugged me, and me suddenly started crying. I remember that i cldnt, for the life of me, understand why. This person was kinda alien to me, why the hell shld i care? when my sis teased me about it, i just said 'no, its cus u didnt give me the biscuits' (there were some biscuits i think) Haha. Lame.

So yeah i guess, after i grew up, now, 12 years later, i think i know now what are the effects.

Though yes dad, i never really loved you, cuz i never really knew you, after you left, i didnt have a dad anymore. You never came to see me. To ask how i did in school. To encourage me to join ccas, be the best i could be. To solat raya with me.

Basically, tho i didnt love you, i grew up as a kid who didnt receive enough love. Thats not saying my mum didnt try enough. She tried her best and more. Without her, i dun know what wld happen to me.

I grew up, as a kid thinking he wasnt worth much. Always lacking attention, i tried thru all ways and means to get attention. Trying to be funny, making jokes in class...but i realised that after a while. So i stopped. The insecurity, though, didn't.


Being someone who had suffered the loss of a major source of love and care early in life, i remember very early on, always trying to get a girlfriend. Haha. One after another in sec skl, not fully understanding what the hell for. Guess now i know. But i kept getting rejected all the time, so yeah. Haha.

Then i guess i stopped getting rejected. (chey chey! haha) And now...being someone who has known a painful loss, i instincively react the only way i know how: i hold on as tight as i can, doing anything just to keep her.

Getting insecure, and paranoid and start seeing possibilities everywhere of her leaving me, or liking someone.
Starting to hate every single thing in her life; they become enemies, competitors of my loved one's attention and care and love.
And possessiveness...can really, really turn you into an ugly person. I get scared, really scared of myself when possessiveness takes hold of me.

So yes. This is not an attempt to garner sympathy. This is an attempt, to explain to people certain of my actions. Especially to the friends of suhayla, who might be guessing what is happening.

This however, shall not be a reason for my poor actions. Those actions are made by me, and im accountable for them.

As i have advised to people before; don't let the situation surrounding you, control you. YOU control the situation around you. A lyric from NFG from the song 'ending in tragedy' goes 

"if a fortune could say what the future would bring,
then im not convinced, its ending in tragedy
and most of all, its in my control,
to end it all."

I like the last two lines. I might be going against all odds but, if i let go, if i give in, give up, then im the one who ended it all. I brought about my own tragic ending.

So yeahh. 

Lastly...i hope you, are reading this too. You who i have hurt so much, long ago, in the past. I hope when you read this, perhaps, you can understand me better; understand what happened to me. Understand that the zaini who did all that to you, was a zaini overcome, controlled by possessiveness/insecurity. And perhaps, you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. Perhaps, one day we can be friends again. I pray that you're happy always, cause you deserve it. I'm sorry for everything. Please forgive me.





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And you dear...help me along, okay? Ill try my very best to get past all this, but i need your support and understanding, and advice. But i know whatever it is...i know that you are one girl who always, always deserves to smile. And the world, too, deserves the light, that is your smile. So even if one day, im nt able to give you that; you deserve someone who does. And i would let go; as long as you're happy, even if its not with me, im happy, As long as you smile. For your smile is something worth fighting for; dying for.


Allah knows. Remeber that, whatever it is; Allah knows.

halloo

anyway. ive been having a really big dilemma going on. its really crazy. its like:

I really love this person + a relationship can never be really 'right' in islam + but i love her + so, why not just marry her? + (i cant! i dun have money + im not mature enough + parents will freakout) +but i love her = ?????????

This is the hardest mathematical eqaution i have ever had to solve. Perhaps because.....













DUH ITS NOT A MATHEMATICAL EQUATION!!!


Hahahahahahaha. Okay sorry. Anyway, i spoke to my ustadz, who gave me some very simple advice, perhaps not exactly right in islam, but the best advice, in this context. In this situation im in right now. but im not sharing that, cuz that advice was for ME, its not applicable to anyone else. But what i DO wanna share, to all my muslims friends who dun wanna be in this dilemma im in now:


If you're NOT READY to get married, DON'T FALL IN LOVE.






(nonononono dun give me that nonsense about u cant control it, u can u can u can!! just dun get into a relationship with that person not yet!! Im telling you, LISTEN TO ME!!!!)




okay im sorry, i sound a bit demented.


But yes, please do heed that advice. its true uh...once ur in, u WILL realise, like i did, that everyone was right; u cant reconcile ur faith, and having a relationship. I once thought i could do that; have a halal relationship. But i realise i can't. So dont. Take ur time...grow up, get all the experiences that life has to teach you. Prepare, to be a good person and hence good husband/wife. Then go look for that person. Seriously, you have nothing to lose. If God had intended that person for you, he/she will be for you. No worries. 

Goodnight all, God bless :)

As Hellboy said to his bestfriend abraham sapien in Hellboy 2;

'She's it abe.'

"I think we have something very special going on."



Yup. Definitely.


:)

Been reading my cousin's fb posts about him trying to change, trying to undo his past mistakes. But the people won't seem to forgive him. It broke my heart and made me (almost) tear to read it, 'cause its something i can relate to, something i understand so well. I guess...what we can do is to forgive ourselves, realise that hey, yes, we did make mistakes. No matter how horrible the mistakes we made, God gave us a chance to atone for it. So we should try our best to atone for it, and change. And when we have done that, but people don't forgive us...we must be strong. Perhaps...they are humans too, imperfect, and dont forgive so easily. So yeah...just make sure that we have tried our best to atone for our sins, make sure that we've changed, and go on...blink back the tears and smile cousin, 'cause life is too short too be unhappy. Like a loved one tells me, when we wade in sorrow, and in the past, so much of the beauty of the world passes us by unnoticed, uncelebrated. 

Smile, for the world is that much darker with one less smile in it. :)

Today's usrah session was a real spiritual upliftment for me. I havent been to a proper class in such a looooong time. Again, i realise really, the truth behind what my mum says 'kalau tak pergi blaja agama, hati rasa mcm gelap gitu' Okay mebbe that can be a bit of an extreme statement, but really,  i really felt spiritually refreshed today. Hm gotta try and share this stuff with more people, there were like only abt 10 or so ppl there, sigh. C'mon NUSMS HE!! Haha.

"Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender,
and men who believe and women who believe,
and men who obey and women who obey,
and men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth,
and men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere,
and men who are humble and women who are humble,
and men who give alms and women who give alms,
and men who fast and women who fast,
and men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty),
and men who remember Allah much and women who remember
- Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward."

(Qur'an, 33:35)

*Disclaimer*

This entry is gonna be very personal stuff, so if u dun wanna read it thats fine. :)
Im kinda talking to myself on this entry. Sorting out the thoughts in my head. Plus of course id love to have some advices from my friends, so yeah. Please help me out. :)








'Such a sweet boyfriend...'
'Eh no-one would do this kind of things...'

Yeah, i dont mind doing anything for a loved one. But why?

1.Do i do anything....because i just wanna make her happy?

2.Or, i'd do anything...just to obtain my heart's desire?

A bit of both. Fueled by insecurity, and low self confidence, and the desperate need to be loved, sometimes, no.2 might even overpower number 1.

I know if i honestlt ask myself, its not totally number 1. But, as i realised when i was talking to su...its not totally number 2 either.
It suddenly seems so complicated doesnt it? I used to think, love was as simple as 'seeing the smile on ur loved one's face makes u happy like nothing else would'. Yes, despite being a guy, i myself seem to have been quite deluded by romantic notions.
But now yeah...i do feel happy and satisfied to see her smile, more than anything...
But is it because im happy she's happy, or cuz im happy that i did something that she appreciates, and ive come closer to getting what my heart desires?

So many questions. Yet the only answer is, the one the wall is giving to me. Nah..the only one who can answer that is myself.

And you know what? i think it IS more of number 2. Perhaps that was went wrong last time. I was just obsessed with getting my heart;s desire. I didnt care so much about her.

Now...problem has been identifid. How do i solve this?

So i question myself; so now that u realise that yeah, a large part of your motivations for the things that you do come from selfish, possessive desires...what next?

Its a very difficult question. I know the immediate response is; im not going to let this go.

But that response comes with more question; why? U dont wanna let go, because you care for her, love her? Or u just wanna possess her?

Sigh. So i try again. I try.

And i realise...no matter how large my motivation comes from selfish desire...i do care for her. I dont want to see her sad. I want her to have wonderful friends. I want her to have her wonderful, wonderful family. I want her to be a good muslimah, and go to heaven. I want her to smile always, always. That was how i started out in this relationship. I fell for her big heart, her warm smile, her optimism, her appreciation for even the smallest thing...and i know i mentioned big heart, but really...this girl is honestly the warmest person i know, and has the best, most innocent, kind and pure(sometimes to the point of naivete(sorry dear)) heart, ever.

So yeah, that was how this relationship started. I fell for this girl, and i wanted to care for her, and all the things i said above. But i guess, after a while, a lot of more negative things kick in. But i shall remember, i shall hold on ever so tightly to my first objectives, my creed when i started this relationship. I won't let all the bad things happen again. I won't.

Okay, thought-sorting session over. I feel better :)

Tags: love, su-hay-la

Hm i realise i havent said anything much about raya. I guess i shld first offer my apologies to everyone, especially all of my friends that i may have hurt or offended with my careless words, my actions, or perhaps, in cases of friendships, my lack of action. Or my seemingly lack of effort in keeping the friendship. I do sincerely hope you can forgive me and my mistakes; if ur stip unhapp with me about something, please do tell me, id really want to work it out with you. So yar...to sound a bit more malay, maafkanlah segala salah silap, janganlah simpan di hati ye? haha.